sometimes my vagina smiles...

where do we go from here

2012-01-02T18:36:00.000-08:00

so nye was fun. i got together with 5 of my close friends and ashley brought her new bf. luckily for him, we all misjudged him. he def has the possibility of being a total douchebag, but he was pretty chill on saturday and we had a lot of fun. my two best friends were in california and that was pretty lame, but the new year came and went without them here. :) we played taboo which was a great way to pass the time! we might need to invest in more games of the such.
i would like to express my happiness with being sober on nye. i had two beers and one shot, which almost met a violent end in my sink. word to the wise--if you drink tequila and beer, do not take a shot of whipped cream vodka. it is entirely too sweet and will turn your stomach instantly; it was touch-and-go there for a few minutes.
new year's day, lauren and deeg were still here (they were the only two to spend the night which turned out to be great) so we had cravings for soup and went to the local bakery to grab some. apparently nobody else wants soup at 11:00am on a sunday morning, so we were stuck with other lunch foods. grilled cheese and a caesar salad do not replace soup cravings.

new year's eve, i sent leo a text saying that i knew about everything and it didn't bother me, but what bothered me was that he was talking to other ladies. we spent some time talking about it and decided we needed to talk in person. i know that this idea will end up haunting me, but whatever. i feel like it was something i needed to do. i have been pretty mopey and i think it is because i really like him, but i don't know quite what to do with that yet.

so new year's day, we were texting back and forth trying to figure out when to talk. he ended up coming over last night and we talked. he told me about his marriage and his two kids and the circumstances surrounding that. he explained the protective order, but didn't mention that he had a kid with her, so my snooping may have been off...? unlikely. i am not sure how i feel about all of this yet. the kids don't bother me nor does the ex-wife, but the protective order is a bit disconcerting and i feel like i am not getting the full truth.

we discussed that if we are going to try this (again), i will not be talking to anyone else and he will not either. he spent the majority of the day on his phone with a coworker, jennifer, but i think he is also talking to someone else. you can't text a coworker all day or they won't get any work done. i don't know. i feel so stupid for trying this again and i know my female friends are disappointed in me for trying. i haven't told carin yet because she was in cali, but she will be royally pissed and i don't blame her one bit. i know it will blow-up in my face, but for some reason i feel like i need this right now. i feel like i need him. i missed talking to him and spending time with him.

i say that, but today was not that great. he was on his phone most of the time and didn't want to leave the apartment. i have gone stir-crazy! i cleaned my fridge, kitchen, burners on the stove, dishes, and got dressed and everything. that's also what i do when i get upset and due to circumstances, i am unable to mope around or listen to music and let it pass.... i bleached the shit out of my counters! lol without gloves, so i am sure that my hands are rather happy with me! :)

shit man, i am a glutton for punishment.

m

a group of primates

2012-01-02T04:56:00.001-08:00

i caved. leo is here. in my apartment. and i could bet money he's texting another girl right now as he is laying here with me. i'm an idiot but yet i still really like him. what the fuck am i doing to myself? this is only making it worse for when things go sour again (and let's not kid ourselves, they will).

i'll keep you posted.

m

she sounds hideous

2011-12-24T20:52:00.000-08:00

oh holidays.

as i write this, i am sitting on my mother's couch watching ncis. they are upstairs sleeping so i am having some nice quiet time with my dog.

my dad revealed to me last week that he hasn't had any alcohol since dec. 1. that is super fantastic! i am so thrilled about this, but i very much wish that my mother would join him. she drank her normal amount tonight, but it took a toll on her and she fell asleep sitting up while watching sleepless in seattle. if my father can do it, so can she. it would also save her money so she can do more yoga. :)

on another note, i went on a few dates recently and met a guy that seems pretty decent. he made me dinner and it was very sweet. unfortunately, it was pretty bad timing because the next day, he left to go see family. hopefully i will see him when he comes back. if not, there is another guy that seems okay so far, but he is currently visiting family in north carolina. we already have plans to hang out when he comes back.

i bought my parents a kindle fire for xmas. i am very excited about it, but it won't arrive until almost new year's eve. that is totally fine though because my mother and i have not gone shopping for the gift she wants to get me. perfection :)

until later....

i would apologize, but i don't realize what i'm doing wrong

2011-12-11T20:11:00.000-08:00

i made a decision about two months ago to allow myself to be more vulnerable and not such a tough guy all the time. i think it has been working and little by little i am allowing people to see the other side of me. not my friends because they already know, but i now allow myself to talk about how i feel on an emotional level with guys which would never have happened a year ago.

i am surely still emotionally detached, but i think i am getting better about it. i spent some time this evening with a guy i liked and wanted to date, but he totally disappeared for like a month saying he was busy with work and blahblahblah. he's a nice guy, though so i decided to see him today and see what he had to say. he agreed that what he did was not okay and he wanted to try again.

normally i would just tell him to go enjoy himself without me, but instead i decided to talk to him about it. i told him that i am willing to try again, but any stunts he decides to pull mean i will be out for good. i am okay with a second chance and i think that i will be capable of properly expressing myself to him.

on a different note, i have a busy week coming up and i am pretty excited about it. tomorrow i have an optometrist appointment which will be great for me. i have terrible depth perception and it annoys me. maybe the doctor will be able to tell me what i can do to help it.

i have decided that it may be time for me to get a physical. i am overweight and so normally i avoid physicals because i don't want to hear about how i need to lose weight. (i know i need to lose weight, but i need motivation to be able to do it.) i wake up on the weekends with migraines that refuse to go away. i try to sleep them away and that never works. i just wake up with more of a headache. then i finally take an excedrin and about an hour later it finally works. isn't it only supposed to take 15 minutes?! rude. it might be linked to my PCOS, but i don't know and it has been happening for almost a year now. time to bite the bullet and check it out. now all i need is to find a doctor close to my new apartment and make an appointment. and who knows, maybe this person will be the one to motivate me in to losing weight because lord knows i have not been able to do it on my own.

my heart spent time in siberia

2011-12-10T21:07:00.001-08:00

my ex came over today. jason and i dated for a little over a year. he's a guy with good intentions, but a lack of education and motivation to better himself make him a bit difficult to handle sometimes. he's funny and i feel 100% comfortable with him around, but there's nothing there. it was nice to spend some time with him though. i miss him as a friend, nothing more.

we dated for a year and he was in love with me. he cried when i ended things the first time. i don't know if i loved him or just loved some of the moments we had; regardless, i told him i loved him.

anyways, he came over to get me to make him a resume and it's kind of tough when he's only had one job to place on it, but i got it done.

he made me dinner (can we say yum?) and we watched a girly movie. it was the perfect way to spend my evening, it was really nice.

i wish more exes had good relationships. now, i can certainly understand not ALL exes getting along (kudos to last guy for helping me realize that). but what about the ones that end mutually, or the ones where you text a few months later just to see how they are? why can't those ones be amicable? why can't you hang out with them afterwards? feelings shouldn't be around because you would have taken the time to learn to manage them.

i guess i just don't get...

m

hey girl, hey

2011-12-07T10:12:00.001-08:00

i am habitually an emotionally detached dater. not sure why, i just prefer not to get attached to the people i date.
i can date someone for several months, break up with them, and have no issue on my part. i move on to the next guy easily and without little thought.
i never thought this was a bad thing until pretty recently. I don't think it is really normal or healthy to be in a relationship with someone and care so little. it isn't that i don't care about them because i think i actually do, but i don't care if i am with them or not. that being said, i do care of they are with me. i can see the hypocrisy and yet it makes no difference. for instance, i would be less than thrilled if they were with someone else while supposedly with me. i wouldn't cheat on the guy, but i would have no problem dropping him and instantly seeing someone else.
are other females like this? no one i know is this way. they all go through break-ups and have the stream of emotions. i go through a break-up and look forward to meeting someone else.

now let me clarify, this is after a relationship with someone, not a hump'n'dump/fuck'n'chuck/hit'n'quit type of thing.
i may need to think more about this. maybe it is something i will want to change, but who knows.
i'll keep you posted. :)

m

something that i already know

2011-12-05T20:53:00.000-08:00

you may not have heard of the song with the same title and my current post. i don't know if you are missing out or smarter than me for particular lack of knowledge. it is a song by the backstreet boys circa 2007. i was entirely too old to be listening to the backstreet boys in 2007 and i wasn't; i just downloaded the song tonight. yes, i am 24 and i own it. it is a pretty great song for my current real life experiences.
(this would be a good time to google the lyrics or youtube somebody's attempt of a low/no budget video)
it is crazy how listening to the right song at the right time can make you feel so incredibly empowered to do something. doesn't matter what it is, as long as it is something.
it could be getting out of bed and cooking dinner or getting up to go for a run (the latter is probably a better option, but it isn't one that i am about to choose). right now i feel empowered to smile and type this little note so people i don't know can read my thoughts. despite the allowed invasion of privacy, i feel really free to say what i have bottled up for about a week.

so here goes:

i have been dating this guy on and off since march. things have been rocky, but i was okay with it because i wasn't ready for something serious and clearly, he was not either. i would get fed up with him and cut him off, but he always had a way of talking me in to giving him another chance.
it concerned me that i was giving him so many chances because any one else, i would have cut off after the second time. but with this one, i just kept going back.
he recently went home to visit family and while there, called me and professed his love to me (after not seeing me for about 2 months). of course i was not buying, but he promised things would change and he would work on it so i said what the hell, we will see what happens.
so he comes home and amazing results. he keeps his word on all of the dates we set up. until one night and he bailed saying his phone broke so he wasn't able to contact me. bullshit. you have two cell phones and email. i'm not that foolish.
...oh, but apparently i am.
so i excuse this slip up and continue to move forward. flash forward a week and i am hosting a surprise birthday party, so he agrees to come and meet a few more of my friends. he bailed (shocked, anyone?).
after he bails and while i am waiting to get ready for this party, i decide to case search him (look up any run-ins he has had with the law in our state) expecting a few minor traffic tickets.
i was not expecting to find out he had 2 kids, an ex-wife, and a protective order against him.
whoa, hold up..did i just say a protective order? like domestic violence? oh yes, yes i did.
(i pre-gamed that surprise party like a pro. a PRO)
he comes over the next day (2 hours late, mind you) so i could discuss it with him. i chickened out. i mean, really....how do you ask a guy to confirm a potential background check without telling him you checked him out? lol
i asked him how many times he had been married and he said none. LIES!
so he falls asleep and i checked his phone. i know this is a no-no, but i needed answers and he gave me the password to his phone.
he has two sons living in jersey with an ex-wife who had to beg for him to sign the divorce papers after 3 years of separation, a daughter that was born less than a year ago by the lady who charged him with domestic violence, various online dating accounts, and several xrated conversations with other ladies.
he leaves the next morning (today, actually) and i wasn't exactly a chipper charlie. i told him it was because i was tired so i would have time to discuss this shit with my girls.
he was supposed to come over tonight and he must have sensed how pissed i was because he didn't show. but knowing him, it could have just been because he didn't feel like coming.
whatever.
i was going to talk to him, lay it out, and end this shit, but since he didn't come, i can use that to my advantage and make a clean cut.

OKAY... so what makes me more mad: the deception about his past or the deception about "our future"?

i can handle an ex-wife and a baby mama. the protective order does concern me, but i don't know anything about it, so i can't form a total judgement.
the telling me he loves me all the while talking to other ladies make me the most upset, i think. i don't believe he loved me, but i think he believes saying he loves someone makes any thing he does wrong completely okay.
i think that is a bit sick, don't you?

SOOOOO...listening to backstreet boys has empowered me to ignore the fuck out of him. at least for today. tomorrow will be another day and hopefully i will be strong enough to do it. maybe it will be a backstreet boys day every day until i am completely done with him....

firsties

2011-12-05T18:54:00.000-08:00

i have been debating on starting a blog for some time now and just never got around to it. i don't have anything spectacular to blog about nor do i want to blog about things that are spectacular. too much pressure :)

so finally i have started a blog.

i would like to inform whomever may be reading this that i dislike capitalization, but i will always type with proper grammar and spelling.

i plan on discussing whatever is on my mind with a bit of censorship and tact. sometimes, that just may not happen and i am perfectly okay with that.

warm wishes and happy reading!

m